America’s Eulogy

Doctor pictureWhile I am by no means willing to give up on America! While “doctors” like me known as patriots continue to fight for the life of this nation, while we continue to try to infuse her with life saving blood known as sacrifice and liberty, while we search our “medical books” known as the Constitution and Declaration of Independence, there is still a chance she may die. There is a chance Lady Liberty won’t live to see another generation raised under her guiding light. So as a “doctor” I have to make that long, pitiful, sorrowful walk down to the waiting room, where the “family” known as Americans,  is waiting and tell them, “She might not make it people. You might want to get her affairs in order.”  Should America die this would be my eulogy.

America was actually born July 2, 1776 in Philadelphia, Pennyslyvania. Constitution imagesShe had many a father-George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin and many a mother too-Betsy Ross, Susan B. Anthony, Sojourner Truth and Harriet Tubman. Each of them helping to form her in younger years.  She came into this world, a bloody mess, others laying down their lives so she could live.  She was so highly prized that another “mother”- England- who is commonly known as the motherland, tried to keep her for herself.  However, England lost and had to relinquish custody of her beloved America.

Man_throwing_moneyAmerica grew up and became prosperous in her life.  People adored her. She accomplished much in the name of science, arts, industry and education. Her children known simply as Americans were the smartest, the wealthiest, the most productive and the most God fearing people on the planet.  One of her sons gave us the Bill of Rights-his name was Patrick Henry. One of her daughters would become an astronaut, her name is Mae Jamison. She bled and cried out for the freedom of her Black children and she won that! She believed what Thomas Jefferson wrote in the Declaration of Independence that all men are created equal.  She was unrelenting, she wouldn’t give up until all her children were free.

LiberalsYet the more children she had, the more prosperous they became, the more they forgot their mother.  Then one day, it happened-a great evil befell her.  Liberalism invaded her body. Liberalism is insidious, it gets into the blood of its host and destroys it from the inside out. America didn’t even know how it caught this bug.  Liberalism used America’s love for freedom, truth and justice and corrupted it. Her courts refused to rule by constitutional standards and began politicizing all its decisions. Her Congress once of great moral fiber, began to deteriorate and become incompetent and corrupt.  Her Presidents who would never think of breaching the Constitution would do so before breakfast most days.

medicationsShe tried to fight off the liberalism, but they were strong and were not letting go. Even when given medicine-conservatism-it never lasted long enough to make a difference. Liberalism kept coming back.  It overtook her until every value she held was smashed. They all but eliminated religious liberty,  leaving  just enough churches open to make it seem like we had religious liberty when the truth is, it got muzzled by LBJ. Free speech turned into hate speech and every constitutional protection was whittled away. She watched in horror as her children fought for the right to kill her other children.  It was called abortion though in truth its name is genocide. She became anguished as perverse sexual practices were revered. She felt hopeless as she saw marriage being torn apart.  What was happening? She became confused and pretty soon she didn’t recognize herself at all.  Then on November 4, 2008 she was hit hard. The liberals had secured the Presidency and both Houses.  Even the courts were becoming more liberal.  With the election of Obama, Pelosi leading the House and Sotomayor being confirmed to the Court, the liberals had a tight stranglehold on her.  Though she was able to raise her level of conservatism, it was too late-she was dead.  America though once rich, would leave behind a trillion dollar deficit, illiteracy, government waste and the continued oppression of her people through “government aid” otherwise known as socialism.  She was a great lady, may she rest in peace.

Jeane Robertson’s Comedy

In recent years most comedy has been vulgar and demeaning. No matter if it was a man or a woman, you could be certain to hear the most vile and crass things ever uttered out of the mouths of a comedians.  As a stand up comedian myself, I have often wanted to do my comedy in a place where “clean” comics worked. No such luck. Through the years we have occasionally gotten a Bill Cosby, a Steve Martin and my favorite a Jeff Cesario (he was big on Comic Strip Live back in the day-see if you can find any of his clips, he is a riot!) but such talents were few and far between. Enter Jeane Robertson.  Jeane Robertson is a breath of fresh air. She is not a twenty something, cheerleader/airhead whose only life experience is being a rock n roll groupie. She is a classy, elegant woman and wife who speaks to her audience with respect. We need mor Jeane Robertsons.

My Questions for B.O.

Larry Elder recently wrote a commentary in which he asked B.O. seven pertinent questions.  They were quite good and thought provoking questions.  But I would like to go Barbara Walters here for a minute and ask him some questions that are not quite as high brow but are still on my mind. So here they are:

1) B.O, do you suffer from some form of mental retardation that we are not aware of? Considering your appointments have all come under serious scrutiny and one just up and withdrew his nomination (Judd Gregg) before confirmation, it makes me doubt your capability to discern who will actually help this country.

2) Did you ever do any research in order to get your law degree.  No seriously dude, I am wondering because if you can research why haven’t you researched any of your nominees before putting their name in? If you don’t know how to research I will be happy to show you, it is really not that hard.

3) Why do you hate babies? I mean you go around voting four times to snuff their lives out if they survive a botched abortion. Even NARAL had no problems with the Born Alive Infant Protection Act, you on the other hand did. What is your problem? I mean when NARAL is the voice of reason, something is wrong somewhere. Why can’t you stand babies-it is really kind of creepy dude.

4)  Why do you keep lying about where you were born? We all know you were born in Kenya! Hawaii-ha! Seriously dude, when are you going to pony up a real birth certificate?

5) 787 billion dollars for stimulus? Are you kidding me? And where is this money going to come from exactly?  You so remind me of Satan when he offered Jesus the world if he would just follow him.  Never mind Jesus actually MADE the world! How is he going to give Jesus what is already his?! That never made sense to me and neither does taking people’s money and then tell them you are going to give it back to them, like you really gave them something! It was already theirs anyway!  But in the meantime they are left with an out of control deficit and spend crazy President. You really think this stimulus thing is going to score you points? What have you been smoking?

And my last question would be: 6) Why are you such a terrorist loving commie? Do you really think shutting down Gitmo, speaking on Arab television and trying to make friends with jihadists is going to make us safer? Or are you just trying to get us killed? Because if you want to blow yourself to kingdom come be my guest, just don’t take me with you!

And those would be my questions. What would yours be?

My New Year’s Resolutions

I am not going to make the same boring new year’s resolutions everyone else makes that only get broken a week later. So here are mine.

1) I promise to be a thorn in the side of all those who are liberal, Democrats or just plain commies. I promise to do what I can to get one death threat from one important politician before this year is over. If I don’t that means I am not doing something Right!

2) I promise to at least try to choke down a vegetable within the course of the year. Quickly followed by some dark chocolate so I don’t automatically regurgitate it back up.

3) I resolve myself to going out on at least one date this year. My son keeps bugging me to get married and it is hard to get married if you don’t at least go out on a date with a guy.

4) Okay I signed up with a new health plan because they give you a free health club membership and a free gym bag, so I resolve to actually use the free services since it is close to my house and I don’t have to pony up any cash. Who knows maybe I could date one of the personal trainers. LOL (Yeah, like that is going to happen. Then again alot of personal trainers are gay and gay men LOVE me-so who knows? LOL) And by use the services, I don’t mean like on daily basis, but enough so I won’t feel guilty about not using it.

5)  I resolve to do more cooking, especially since I got a lot of great cookware for Christmas and everything won’t be stuck to my pan now.

Lastly, I resolve to keep writing this blog and letting my voice be heard.  Taking on the liberals and the traitor conservatives who just want to get along with the liberals because they are too much of a pansy to stand up for what they believe! Yep,  this is going to be the year of all who are BLACK N RIGHT!!!!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year-Dem Style

This came from a fellow Smart Girl named Bekah.  Someone sent it to her in her email and I thought it was too hilarious not to share.

Dena

For My Democratic Friends and Family:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to observe religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures.

For My Republican Friends and Family:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and may God bless you and yours in 2009!

HO! HO! HO!.

Obama: You Are Mine!

nbra-cartoon-obama-socialismGreat I have waited 38 years for a tall, good-looking Black man to say those words to me and who do I get? Obama! Talk about rotten luck.  Okay that’s it I am dating only White guys from this point on…yeah like I have a choice.  Not a whole lot of Black Mormons running around. LOL

Lousy love life aside, being a slave to Obama’s  socialistic practices is not my idea of freedom. It is too bad, it seems to be the rest of America’s.

Why I Love Being Mormon!

los_angeles_lds_mormon_temple

1) Have you ever seen an anorexic Mormon? No, it just does not happen. We eat at every possible opportunity. We eat at baptisms, firesides and the 101 activities we simply devise just so we can chow down together. Though we love all food, we really love casserole and jello. In fact, the bishopric is immediately notified should there not be casserole and jello on hand at any church sponsored event, He then gets on the phone to Utah, talks to the Prophet, its a whole thing. People get ex-communicated. Rule number one of being a Mormon-thou must always serve casserole and jello at all functions. [P.S. Last night the singles sponsored a karoake/movie night do you know what people complained about? Not enough food? Do you know what we forgot to bring-casserole and jello! Mostly because we thought the other people would. Oh yeah, was not a pretty sight]casserole-pic

2) It is a lay church. Which means my tithing money is not going to buy a Benz for the pastor of my church. No one gets paid and everyone helps out. Because no money changes hands it makes everyone’s service that much more valuable. Because you know people are doing it because they want to and not because they are being paid.

Got to love those tithers!

Got to love those tithers!

3) We’re the original feminist. Joseph organized Relief Society with his wife Emma Smith as its first President back in 1842 on March 17th. Since then we have become not only the largest women’s organization in the world but the oldest. Before there was NOW (or as I like to call them the Nearly Obsolete Women or Naturally Obnoxious Women) there was Relief Society. As part of the fastest growing church, we are part of the fastest growing women’s organization.

Emma Smith

Emma Smith

4) They don’t convert dumb people. If you look at our church, especially in my ward, the men are mostly lawyers, the women mostly teachers. Education is highly valued in the church, for both men and women. We don’t see education as something someone should do to make a buck but to enrich their lives and further their knowledge. The church expects both men and women to read the scriptures, learn the Gospel and the history of the church. They expect you to teach classes, give talks, things you can’t do if you a moron.

5) Because I don’t have to explain why I don’t drink anymore. Even before the church, I didn’t drink due to my epilepsy. You would be surprised how many people have not heard of epilepsy. So then there was a ten minute discussion about the finer point of seizures. Now, I simply say because I’m Mormon and end of discussion. They may not what epilepsy is but they know what a Mormon is.

6) Because with all the hatred towards Mormons today, it makes it real easy to know who my friends are. It also makes it easier to identify the clearly certifiably insane people as well. All I have to say is three little words, “I’m a Mormon” and watch the insanity fly! It is also kind of fun to watch other Christians get worked up because I don’t think God, Jesus and the Holy Ghost are all meshed together as one. Hello, I thought we were talking about deities here, not thousand island dressing!

7) Lastly, I love being Mormon because they are some of the best people I have ever met in my life. They are loyal, generous, loving, supportive, courageous, and generally good-hearted people. I consider myself lucky that I can count myself among these valiant servants. They are a true representation of the love of Christ. But mostly it is that casserole and jello thing.

Hitler, Freddie and Fannie

My apologies to any Holocaust survivors who will never find anything about Hitler funny. But at least this is one chance you get to hear the Fuhrer call himself an idiot. I mean the rest of us knew that, but it is nice to hear him admit it finally. Anyway I got a great laugh out of it, hope you will too! I found this at the http://www.conservatismtoday.com website. Great site they are on my blogroll so check them out!