December 28, 2008
So was the message in my fortune cookie at the local Chinese restaurant where I attend on a regular basis. It is the only place I can go where I can say, “My usual” and they know exactly what that is. As I read the words hope sprang alive again. No matter what I do to try to squash it, obliterate it and completely demolish it, it refuses to die. No matter how many times I tell that yearning to shut up and leave me alone, it lingers. So it was when I read the words. I have even looked up when the next full moon is, just in case it is right. No one in the history of mankind has ever staked so much on a simple fortune cookie.
The next full moon is January 11, 2009. That is the day before my 39th birthday. Is there a more perfect day to have an enchanting evening then right before your birthday? Of course, finding out the date of the next full moon just fuels that hope. How can I not take it as a sign? It just seems too perfect.
So now I wait and I wonder, most of all I pray that God sent me that little fortune cookie to let me know love is around the corner. Not to give up just yet. That enchantment is not out of my reach. So once more I beseech God, I ask him for what seems to be the impossible. My son wanted my fortune but I refused. I told him I was not giving up my enchanting evening! I tried to explain that Momma’s enchanting evening could lead to him having a Dad in his life. The whole thing sounds utterly crazy.
Of course, I know January 11th will come and go and nothing will have changed. No enchanting evening will transpire, no declarations of love will be uttered. Another year will come and go and come 2010, I will be 40. My life half over and with the exception of my wonderful son, not much to show for it. But I can deal with the lack of astounding achievements more than I can the lack of someone to share my life with. One day I will have to let my son go so he can make his own way in the world and live his own life and I will truly be alone. Such a thought frightens me to no end. Will I be able to let go of the only thing that has kept me hanging on?
In the words of Sara Evans: I keep looking, I keep looking for, I keep looking for something more. I always wonder what is on the other side of the number two door. I keep looking for, I keep looking for something more.
Who knows maybe I will find what I am looking for. Maybe fortune cookies can come true. Maybe God will give me my heart’s desire. Maybe love will no longer be a four letter word. I guess we will find out January 11th, won’t we?