The Cheerios Coup

This is a fictional account of what would happen if  Obama and the FDA go through their ridiculous claim that Cheerios is a new unapproved drug because it claims it can lower your cholesterol. The FDA says it will seize the product if they don’t change their claims. Personally, I think the people at the FDA are high and just want to seize Cheerios because they got the serious munchies. But let’s say Cheerios says, “Shove it! We are keeping our claim!” and then the FDA goes to General Mills and takes all the Cheerios.

This is the original link:  FDA Says Cheerios Isn’t As Wholesome As It Claims

Now for the Cheerios Coup!

The news vans were everywhere,  helicopters were flying overhead. It looked like a madhouse.  Toddlers and their parents were storming the  Food and Drug Administration.  “Obama stole my Cheerios! I hate Obama!” one angry toddler cries out.  The FDA has locked all its doors and grown men cower as thousands of ticked off toddlers demand justice!  A two year old cries, “I want my Cheerios, why did you take away my Cheerios.  I hate broccoli, take away all the broccoli!”   A reporter stands in front of the FDA building.


We have a lot of angry children here,who are demanding the release of their beloved Cheerios. Let’s speak  to one of the distraught parents here. Ma’am, what has it been like for you since the FDA seized all the Cheerios?

Distraught Parent:

It has been sheer…oh kids are watching aren’t they…well you know the place! (she puts her hands over her face and cries) I can’t believe this is happening.  I went to the store to get some Cheerios and they were out! I went to another and another, same thing! Then I found out the FDA seized it! My kids have been yelling and crying for their Cheerios, half the time it is the only thing that shuts them up! You suck Obama!


Well there you have it, parents are clearly upset by this sudden seizing of Cheerios.  The FDA has not come out to comment yet and it has been reported that Malia and Sasha along with Michelle are refusing to speak to President  Obama for his part in this fiasco.  General Mills has issued a statement that they are pleased to see people standing up to big government and demanding their Cheerios be brought back to market.  They claim it is the American thing to do!  Back to the station.

INT.  FDA Building. Product Room

A bunch of grown, middle aged men are sitting around in a circle passing a joint, while others are  munching on Cheerios.

FDA Guy:

Hey dude,  does Doritos make any health claims so we can seize their products too? I so love Doritos!

The other employees are locking themselves in whatever rooms they can find.  You can hear the rocks hit the unbreakable Plexiglas.  Little fists are pounding on the doors, cries of rage are getting louder. The atmosphere grows more hostile as the FDA keeps hiding out.  A little girl speaks into her oversized microphone she got as a Christmas gift. It has a picture of Cheerios on it.

Little Girl:

I want my Cheerios Obama! You are a bad man! My Daddy is a Repuvican and he said you were no good! My Daddy is right!  You’re a big ol meanie and I hope innectarine you, so you get kicked out of the White House.

The crowd cheers her speech.  A little boy tugs at his mother’s blouse,  “What does innectarine mean?” he asks.  “I think she means impeach and that means we kick Obama out of office.” the mother explained. “Yes then let’s imbleach him!”

Meanwhile, in another conference room down the hall the Commissioner for the FDA and Obama are going at it.  Obama is screaming that he took over General Motors and he can take over General Mills too! That no one can stop him.

The commissioner yells, “I hate to burst your bubble but there are thousands of angry children and their parents who are not going to stand for you riding roughshod over their right to eat whatever they want! I am sorry I ever agreed to this stupid idea to begin with!”

That is when Obama screams, “They are just kids, who cares!”

The commissioner gets on the phone to security and tells him to let everyone in.  The security guard asks him to repeat the order.  “You heard me, let everyone in and guide them to my office Obama wants to tell them something!”  If he runs they might see him on the way out and attack him. Besides it will seem cowardly.  If he stays it will look like he is standing his ground.  So he stays in the office and waits for the mob. He will charm them the way he always does, he thinks to himself.

When they get in they immediately go after Obama. Toddlers are kicking, biting, hitting and generally attacking the President.  The parents try to pull the kids off of him but there are too many, Obama cannot defend himself.  They are finally able to get the kids off, when Tony the Tiger enters the room and gives Obama another kick while he is still on the floor.  “And don’t think of coming after Kelloggs’ or you will get worse than that you elitist dillweed!” He storms out of the room and the kids cheer Tony as he makes his exit. They are then lead to the product rom where they find only half of the Cheerios seized, the intoxicated  FDA guys have eaten the rest. But there is enough for everyone and all the parents and children go home happy.

The End.


3 thoughts on “The Cheerios Coup

  1. Dena
    That was too funny. You should make that into a short youtube video.

    But seriously, the FDA is doing what it normally does. If a product claims to provide a medical benefit then it must prove it and could face regulations. General Mills should have known this before they began marketing Cheerios in that arena. However calling it a drug is a reach as well. Just have General Mills provide scientific evidence of its claims and if the claims are true the FDA should shut up, sit down and chew!

  2. lol- you forgot to mention the uproar of little boys being potty trained who will take aim!

  3. LOL Ahrcanum, how could I leave that one out? That is too funny.

    Ron, while I do understand this is supposedly protocol for the FDA as of late they have been getting outrageous. Calling Cheerios a drug is a stretch as you have stated. That was my main point. Going by them, if any food has an additional health benefit, it is a drug. Carrots have carotene which is good for your eyesight, is that now a “new, unapproved drug?” Why don’t they make tofu “a drug” that stuff is beyond nasty, but it does have health benefits. Just once I wish someone would go after veggie burgers or some other crazy vegan food and leave the real food alone! But it would make a great video wouldn’t it? It is funny because as I was writing it, I started to write it script style with all the lingo but couldn’t format correctly so I did it partly script style. LOL. Thank you so much for dropping by and I hope Cheerios doesn’t change a thing, not even its claim. And I hope that the FDA will take your advice to shut up and chew! LOL. Hope to see you back here soon.

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